How to Save Your Marriage

No marriage is without conflict, but trying to work through problems in your relationship can be scary and overwhelming. There’s no one “right” way to resolve conflict, but there are a number of steps you can take to rebuild your relationship with your spouse. We turned to Licensed Professional Counselor Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, for expert-backed advice to help you save your marriage, from addressing problems head-on to communicating openly with your spouse. Keep reading to learn more.

Things You Should Know

• To save your marriage, face any conflict directly and don’t wait for your partner to bring up problems, assuming they’ll blow over.
• Argue productively by rooting critique in your personal feelings and focusing on the present over the past.
• Cultivate intimacy by spending designated quality time together, and slowly work up to being physically intimate.

Identify the issues affecting your marriage.

Face any conflict head-on. It might be hard, but take an honest look at your relationship issues. Try to be specific instead of listing things like “we don’t get along.” Ask yourself (and discuss with your spouse) focused questions, such as:
-Have you and your spouse grown apart? Do you have incompatible goals, desires, or visions of the future?
-Are your physical and emotional needs being met? What about your partner’s needs?
-Do you and your spouse listen to each other? Is your communication limited to short conversations about necessities?
– Are you dealing with a stressful life event, such as problems at work, financial problems, illness, or the death of a loved one?

Acknowledge any underlying problems.

Large conflict is often caused by deep-seated issues. If your conflict is centered on a major violation, such as infidelity, try to identify and address any issues that may have contributed to that violation.[1]
Take initiative to solve problems.
Don’t wait for your partner to bring up concerns. If you feel that something needs to be addressed, talk to your partner about it. Waiting for your spouse to bring up problems, or hoping the problem will just go away if you don’t talk about it, will likely make it worse.

Look for potential solutions to your difficulties.

Figure out what you can both do to fix things. What are specific changes both of you can make to improve your situation? Keep in mind both partners need to put an effort into resolving a relationship’s difficulties.[2]
Provide constructive feedback.
Root your complaints in your own feelings and voice criticism respectfully. All spouses get annoyed with each other and complain about pet peeves, but personal attacks will likely only widen the gap between you both. Instead, take responsibility for your feelings and respectfully explain what changes you’d like to see in your partner.[3]

Acknowledge your individual shortcomings.

Avoid putting the onus to fix things entirely on your partner. Instead, focus on how you can contribute to a solution as well. Likewise, your spouse can focus on what they can do.[6]
Control your temper.
Stop, breathe, and relax instead of yelling. No matter how frustrated you are with your spouse, do your very best to control your temper. In order to save your marriage, you and your spouse both need to keep your emotions in check.[7]

Get help from a marriage counselor.

Counseling can help you navigate your problems in a safe environment. A counselor can offer an objective perspective and help you develop the skills needed to mend the gap in your relationship.[21]